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Words, Thoughts & Feelings Suppressed

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The Personal Site of Ackim

 

Words, Thoughts & Feelings Suppressed

 

Well, it is the idea behind this page to say what exactly I think about some people who have touched my life. Of course, there are many people in this regard, but for the purpose of this site; I will look at my recent relationships with these people. I will also deliberate on my feelings and words, which I suppressed concerning these very people. Well, for security reasons, I will name these people as Someone One (S1), Someone Two (S2), and Someone Three (S3), and so on.

 

Someone One (S1)

I met S1 about two years ago. She is very special in my life. Married with kids, I just love her so very much. In the beginning, she looked at me as her son (I understood pretty well why). But I was quick to let her know that I already have a mother who is incomparable and whom I adore so very much. But I think S1 is a wonderful mother! Needless to say, I would be a happier man were she the mother of my children. Well, I don't have children, but I am praying for a woman like her to be the mother of my children! Anyhow, I think she understood why I didn't want to promote that mother-son relationship between us. Well then, we settled for brother and friend. As time passed, we became more as friends than brother and sister, I guess willingly without either of us saying anything much about it. I very well know that S1 is a married woman, but my feelings for her cannot be helped! I have gone to extremes to let her know that she means the world to me. I have become emotionally involved with her so much so that whenever I think about her, I feel so lonely being alone, and my eyes become somewhat watery. Who said guys don't cry?? Oh yes, thats right. Whenever I think about her, my heart beats faster and I want to be with her all my life. I want to be closer to her every time I think about her. She is an intelligent woman all right; and at her age, she is a very attractive woman. But it is not her beauty that has captivated me but rather her mind and her character. I am happy for the fact that she acknowledges the existence of God, but I would be happier if she followed my faith. I developed these feelings long before I even saw her picture. I remember asking her for a life time friendship with her even in our very first days of our correspondence, long before I even knew her well. I fell in love with her mind and her conduct, and now I am in love with her as a package and I want to be with her all of my life. I do care that she is married, but I do not care about her age. However, I know that what I am asking is practically not possible. My rationality tells me that what I feel about her is wrong. And my religion tells me that I cannot be in love with a married woman. How many women are there in the world? What would people think of me loving a married woman? Loving her would have been wrong were she the girlfriend of someone, then where does that put her being the wife of someone? I ask myself, why do I have to feel like this about a married woman? Why not feel the same about my own girlfriend? Why not feel the same about a number of beautiful single women I know? Only God knows why; but all I can say is that S1 has been my first love. I have come across some people before her but I never really felt the same way. Maybe I was young, but I will always remember S1 as my first love. And knowing her as my first love is something I would treasure for the rest of my life. I know it is wrong, but it is something I would be happier if it became a reality. To have her closer to my heart, and in my arms, is something I am dreaming about. However, I do not want to hurt her, and I do not want to destroy her marriage. I am not really worthy it! Despite that I want her for myself; I do not want her to lose her marriage. Simply put, I want her marriage to last and not end. I know there is nothing I can give her, so, I would not want her to suffer for my sake. There was a time when she used to be angry at my attempt to show her my feelings. One time she told me she was not intimate with me and that she will never be! That hurt, actually, but I never showed it. She also said my calling her "babe" made her feel cheap. That hurt and I felt like a pimp! I was not exactly calling her my "babe" but what I had in mind was a joke to mean she was and is a wonderful woman who was and is raising wonderful women (her children) in response to her feeling inadequate as to the role of a mother. In my words I said: "You are a terrific babe and I am sure you are raising terrific babes". Surely, this has nothing to calling her "babe", has it? In another instance she told me I should not call her "hon" because it was reserved for someone. That hurt, I felt like a wife-grabber! What I had in mind was nothing more than showing affection! But, that's not the meaning she got. However lately, she has told me in many ways that she loves me. In our previous conversation, she used "I love you" at least twice. It has taken her a very, very long time to say something like that. And I have waited for a very, very long time for her just to say those magical three words. I think she has feelings for me too, but she is in a very tough situation. I pretty well understand her reservation. Knowing her character, I am pretty sure she is not a woman who would throw "love yous" at everybody. But for the simple fact that she said those words to me, I feel so very lucky! One time she told me her love for me was pure. Though, I don't exactly know what she had in mind, one thing I know is that, the love she has given me is not the same love she can give her own real brother, and this makes me "want to be a better man". This makes me lucky, and in every sense of the word, she completes and complements my life. It is a motivation in my life wishing and hoping that one day I should see her covered in my hug. S1 is the love of my life. I need her and I need her friendship for all of my life. If I cannot have her, at least I should have her friendship. I do not ever dream of losing her friendship! However, whenever I ask myself as to what I want from her, I am always deadlocked! What I really want from her is something I cannot say for sure. I find it difficult making up my mind as to what I really want from her or from this relationship. However, I cannot help but feel guilty for making her love me. This may not exactly be true since love is a two-way thing, but, had it not been for showing her my affection, she probably would not have shown me her affection. Somehow, I feel that being a human being, she is bound to reciprocate my feelings. I think she is showing me the affection that I have shown her. Whatever the case, I know that I need her, but I do not want to hurt her. On a number of occasions, I have felt like chickening out of the relationship, but with no avail! I have felt like saying goodbye, but with no avail! And on those times when I thought of keeping quiet for the purpose of cooling things down, it was more painful to me than otherwise. I think I am better off knowing her than otherwise. But sometimes, I just hate myself for feeling this way about her. I tell myself that I should not, but I am doing exactly the opposite. I tell myself not to plunge deeper, but that is what I am exactly doing. I hope and pray that things become better. But one thing for sure, I am grateful to have known her. I will always be. A came time when we both said goodbye to each other. It was painful but with time, the pain heeled. We recently have started corresponding, though not exactly as before. It looks like we cannot totally break what we have built! But following the silence, I think I still need my friendship with her to continue. She is now expecting her 6th child (a son) and I am truly glad for her and for her family. But one thing for sure, I am capable of sacrificing my happiness for the happiness of someone I love. And thus, I believe that I would avoid anything and everything that would hurt S1 and dher family. I do pray that God gives me the power to keep my sanity when as a human being, I find it difficult to control myself!

 

Someone Two (S2)

S2 is my girlfriend. I have known her for slightly more than a year now. I do like like her so very much, and I do love her. Actually, I won't mind at all if it comes to us being together for the whole of our lives. We are not exactly on the same wavelength, but I have accepted her for whoever and whatever she is. She has weaknesses, and so do I, but I am willing to live with her weakenesses. But sometimes it pains me at her seemingly inconsiderate nature when it comes to weighing the things she has has to say before saying. I think sometimes she does not even think of the consequences or effects of her words. Of course, it is difficult to perfectly know what can or will hurt the other person, but care should be taken to keep undesireable consequences at a minimum, more especially if that person is your loved one whom you expect to know. But the questions I have got from her sometimes suggest that she does not take a minute to think about the consequences of her words. Please, don't get the wrong idea... I am not perfect myself, and I don't claim to be weighing my words everytime they come out of my mouth, but I do try my best. If I am not exactly sure how someone will feel about what I have to say, I prefer keeping mum. However, it appears that whenever she says something that i exactly don't like, were I in her position, I would probably have chosen different words and circumstances. In other words, I think S2 is naive. Of course this is not a word to describe one's girlfriend (a reason for the password), but that's what I think. She is someone who can easily be influenced, where she lacks strong principles, and something tells me, she invites attention. As for lacking principles, this makes me doubt about future. for one thing, assuming her parents tell her that she cannot go ahead with this relationship, I think she will readily accept. Well, I have met her parents, and I think they are nice people. And I personally favor the idea of following one's parents, and more especially in matters peratining to marriage, it is a good idea to go into marriage with their blessings. But what I am saying is that, assuming they tell her not to be with me, but instead be with some chosen cousin even after, say, one year of being together, it is surely wasting one's time. I don't want to waste anybody's time and I don't expect anybody to waste my time. I think this could be minimized by trying to know their feelings about the relationship, by trying to hint at the suggest from time to time. I think she is not doing that. As for inviting attention, I don't know how I can live with someone like that. There have been times when she asked me, "that guy likes me, so what should I do?" I think this is not a question for me to answer. On another occasion she told me that someone called her babay and that she was shocked! I asked myself, "what the hell is she telling me for?" I mean, if you don't like something said to you, why keep quiet about it? If you don't say anything about it, people will assume, whatever said to you is okay with you. I think my girlfriend does not have the courage to say "no". That somehow, makes me to the stomach, though it doesn't bother me because I know that she is not someone who sleeps around! But, this capable of making her lose face. When people take advantage of you, you lose your respect. I think she is someone who wants to prove that other guys find her attractive too. I feel that she ia bit insecure. What do I care if other guys likes you or not? For one thing I like you, and that is why I am with you. So, what do you want to prove? So, somehow, if she invites attention, I take that she is still searching for someone of her dream, in which case I should not be part of it. It is then naturally that we cool things down, or reconsider our relationship without wasting each other time, so we both can be with people who wants us to be with them. However, whenever I suggest that she reconsiders the relationship, I am accused of not loving her, and that I want to find an excuse to leave her. I then messages that I am the only one she loves and that when I leave I will be taking with me the everything she treasures in this world. Now, that is touching. Actually, I am happy with her... I just hope that she will strong strong principles some day, and respect the relationship totally.

 
The heart has reasons that reason does not understand -Jacques Bénigne Bossuel