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Words, Thoughts & Feelings Suppressed

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The Personal Site of Ackim

 

Words, Thoughts & Feelings Suppressed

 

Well, it is the idea behind this page to say what exactly I think about some people who have touched my life. Of course, there are many people in this regard, but for the purpose of this site; I will look at my recent relationships with these people. I will also deliberate on my feelings and words, which I suppressed concerning these very people. Well, for security reasons, I will name these people as Someone One, Someone Two, and Someone Three.

 

Someone One (S1)

I met S1 about two years ago. She is very special in my life. Married with kids, I just love her so very much. In the beginning, she looked at me as her son (I understood pretty well why). But I was quick to let her know that I already have a mother who is incomparable and whom I adore so very much. We then settled for brother and friend. As time passed, we became more as friends than brother and sister. I very well know that S1 is a married woman, but my feelings for her cannot be helped! I have gone to extremes to let her know that she means the whole world to me. I have become emotionally involved with her so much so that whenever I think about her, I feel so lonely being alone, and my eyes become somewhat watery. Oh yes, thats right. Whenever I think about her, my heart beats faster and I want to be with her all my life. I want to be closer to her every time I think about her. She is an intelligent woman all right; and at her age, she is a very attractive woman. But its not her beauty that has made me feel like this but rather her mind. I developed this kind of feeling long before I even saw her picture. I remember asking for a life time friendship even in our very first days of our correspondence. I fell in love with her mind, and now I want to be with her all of my life. I dont really care that she is married, and I dont care about her age. But I also know that this is not possible. My rationality tells me that what I feel about her is wrong. And my religion tells me that I cant be in love with a married woman. How many women are there in the world? What would people think of me loving a married woman? Loving her would have been wrong were she someones girlfriend, then where does that put her being someones wife? I ask myself, why do I have to feel like this about a married woman? Only God knows why But all I can say is that S1 has been my first love. I knew some girls before her but I never really felt the same way. Maybe I was young, but I will always remember S1 as my first love. And knowing her as my first love is something I would treasure for the whole of my life. I know it is wrong, but it is something I would be happier if it happened. To have her closer to my heart, and in my arms, is something I am dreaming about. However, I dont want to hurt her, and I dont want to destroy her marriage. I am not really worthy it! Despite that I want her for myself; I dont want her to lose her marriage. Simply put, I want her marriage to last and not end. I know there is nothing I can give her, so, I wouldnt want her to suffer for my sake. There was a time when she used to be angry at my attempt to show her my feelings. However lately, she has told me in many ways that she loves me. In our previous conversation, she used I love you at least twice. It has taken her a very, very long time to say something like this. And I have waited for a very, very long time for her just to say those three words. I think she has feelings for me too, but she is in a very tough situation. If ever she gets upset, I will pretty well understand why. S1 is the love of my life. I need her and I need her friendship for all of my life. If I cant have her, which is likely because of her position, at least I should have her friendship. I dont ever dream of losing her friendshipnot ever! However, whenever I ask myself as to what I want from her, I am always deadlocked! What I really want from her is something I cant say for sure. Maybe, this is because she presents a challenge, so, I cant make any decisions concerning someone in her position. All I know is that I need her, but I dont want to hurt her.

 

Someone Two (S2)

S2 is my girlfriend. I have known her for slightly over a year now.

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